Relationships

Here are some things my wife and I learned the hard way in case it helps you learn the easy way.

Under Pressure

My wife and I didn’t have any apparent communication issues until we were both under enough stress that our coping mechanisms weren’t enough and the little things that bothered us became a bigger deal. We had to learn how to be honest and open without fear and at the same time recognise when either of us was getting defensive and to de-escalate.

It is OK to say no; Feelings can be reasons

It may sound silly, but one big thing I had to learn was that it is OK to say no to my wife when she asks me to do something. Instead of saying I didn’t feel up to doing something or I didn’t want to do something I would rationalize why it shouldn’t be done and then my wife would tear apart my arguments because they didn’t make sense to her. After we figured this out, it significantly reduced my stress at home.

Not feeling one’s emotions hinders empathy

It can be hard to connect with someone else when being disconnected from one’s own thoughts and feelings. Also sometimes the partner is more aware of what the other is feeling, but doesn’t know why.

Explaining negative emotions

One trap my wife and I fell into was assuming expressions of frustration in the other were actually caused by us. This caused unnecessary stress and conflict. We learned to resolve this by either telling each other why we are frustrated or asking why the other sighed (etc.) whenever we notice negative emotions affecting either of us. Most of the time the issues are random and not the other’s fault and knowing this is a huge weight off the shoulders. It also can become a source of connection and opportunity to help out in some way.

Depending on more than one person for support

We had to learn the hard way what things were appropriate to vent to each other vs should be shared with a trusted mentor or friend to avoid the toll it takes on each other. Specifically, we should have avoided sharing negative things about each other to them just to vent. My recommendation is if you are going to talk about something negative, it should ideally be framed as what they can do to help you so they know and being careful not to come across as accusing or blaming them, so you can better take care of each other.

Withdraw might just be a sign of stress

If one partner is withdrawing, it could be for a number of reasons. I had a time period where my stress was enough to push me toward burnout and shutdown and my wife was rightfully concerned and knew I needed help, but in my situation I was unable to get help myself and things got pretty bad before they got better.

Needing some environment for rest

I realize at this point I didn’t really address your original post, but my intent was to give you all tips to keep the stress in your relationship down so your relationship can be restful relative to the other parts of both of your lives. When this is the case, it is easier to open up to each other about your struggles, desires, etc. I think this is specifically what you are wanting.

Addressing insecurity

Insecurity on either or both sides of the relationship can cause stress for both parties and make opening up and connecting in a deeper way more difficult. Going through difficult situations together, and dealing with the sources of insecurity, makes the relationship feel safer, so it will be easier to open up to each other.